Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
