im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
