We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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