MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
