I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
