Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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