Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize