i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize