things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
