Rock
Scissors
Fuck
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
