I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
