saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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