It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
