yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
