he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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