I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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