U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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