mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
