I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
