She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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