I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
