I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
