my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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