If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
