Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
