I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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