I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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