to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
