I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
