so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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