I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Randomize
