I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You may now shotgun with the bride
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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