Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
