i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
