She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
