I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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