He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize