dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
