please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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