I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
