dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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