i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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