she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The air was thick with penises
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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