he wants to bone in the snuggie
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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