my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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