Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
