So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
