My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
