and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
