i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
