there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
