no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
