i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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