Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
