he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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