I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
