Say something about gay babies.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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